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Saturday, July 4, 2009

OCD and Irony

I have had mild (moderate?) obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD, since I was a child. Back then, I was just "weird" though. :) Most people have some OCD-like tendencies, so they can relate.

However, one of the many little OCD habits I had was to "seal" things, sort of like a spiritual or mental thing. An example is after I had my daughters, I'd never felt such a deep and intense love for anyone. It was different than that for other relatives and friends. I had horrible fears that something would happen to my girls, so I developed a habit whenever I would drive to college (which was about 100 miles from home). Every time I went past a new county sign, or rather before I passed it, I would think to myself, "Celest, Lotus, me, all of us together, forever." I like odd numbers, so I broke up my thought into five segments.

I've thought several times over the years that maybe it is some sick sense of irony that I will probably be with the girls forever: literally for the rest of my life at least. They will most likely never live independantly. For as long as I am able I will have them with me. I know that in the future it may become inevitable that I have them live at an assisted residence, but I hate the thought.

I'm agnostic, so the possibility that some ethereal being heard my thoughts and said, "Hmm, be careful what you wish for..." isn't totally out of the realm of possibility... Sort of like the monkey's paw wishes. I don't honestly think this is the truth, but it is one of the bizarre thoughts I've had over time as I try to make sense of life.

1 comment:

*mary* said...

God, I have those awful intrusive thoughts, too. Must be genetic.

You guys look soooo cute in this picture!